It has emerged this morning that the Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has used £44,000 of taxpayers’ money to get a private penthouse bathroom built at the new Department of Health offices in London because he enjoys playing FIREMAN while going for a wee.
According to sources close to Hunt, he gets too ’embarrassed’ to urinate while making noises like a fire engine in front of other Department of Health staff, and so he commissioned luxury bathroom designers Fuch-Weet of Mayfair to design and build the room that cost the equivalent of two full-time nurses for one year.
One source said: ‘When Jeremy pulls his trousers down and aims for the bowl, he finds it incredibly relaxing to start shouting ‘nee nah nee nah nee nah nee nah’ and say things like ‘hurry Jeremy, city hall is on fire!’
‘Naturally it wouldn’t be proper for the Health Secretary to be observed undertaking this executive stress reduction technique in front of junior ministers and other lowly members of staff, and so the decision was taken for the facility to be built in his penthouse office.’
‘From time to time, he also makes the decision to sit down and pee like a girl, and so it is only fair.’
‘The shower cubicle isn’t only for times when he cycles into work – the high-pressure jets also allow him to have a through cleansing on days when he may come into contact with a nurse.’
We asked the source if any money could have been saved by just going into B&Q and getting an ‘off the shelf’ bathroom for a couple of grand.
He said: ‘Unfortunately there is a lengthy government procurement process that needs to be taken into consideration.’
‘Besides, it would be impractical for such a high-ranking member of government to sit on any old Armitage Shanks.’
‘The £44,000 outlay will also help the NHS to achieve £22 billion of savings by 2020 as we will be offering exclusive tours of the room to grassroots medical and clerical staff who are identified by their line managers to be going ‘above and beyond’ in the fight against wasting resources.’
Shortly after news of the bathroom became public, it was reported that the room had to be ‘closed temporarily’ after Boris Johnson popped in for his daily download and the space-age flushing mechanism couldn’t cope.
According to domestic staff in the building, Johnson’s own private toilet at the Foreign and Commonwealth HQ was already ‘out of action’ for the same reason.