Jamie Oliver has confirmed that six of his restaurants are closing because they are ‘a bit wanky.’
Although he originally said that ‘uncertainty over Brexit’ was to blame for the closures, he later told our Chief Reporter that it may be unwise to indirectly blame 52% of the population of the United Kingdom for it all going a bit tits-up.
He said: ‘You know what Chief, although it became financially unviable to directly source my signature Roberto Di Baggio Truffles from Italy, I have to say that the writing was on the wall when I named the whole chain after myself.’
‘It was only one step away from just calling the business ‘Jamie Oliver’s World Of Jamie Jamieness.’
‘To be fair it worked for Ronald McDonald.’
‘This restructuring will now allow me to fulfil my lifelong dream of buying Southend Pier and converting it into a sustainable sea-facing centre of cooking excellence. They’ve already told me that I can close it for 48 weeks per year so I can have all of my chummies over to cook and shit.’
‘With the museum almost completed now as well, there are exciting times ahead!’
We asked Jamie if there is any truth in the rumours that every copy of Ten Minute Meals is due to be recalled after Jemima Montrose-Nash of Leigh On Sea alleged that it took thirteen minutes to prepare the Fromage Sur Pain Grille recipe.
He said: ‘I have looked into her complaint, and it turns out that while the required quinoa extract was organic, it wasn’t Fairtrade. This would have wreaked havoc with the cooking time.