In an EXCLUSIVE interview with Southend News Network, head of the Hutt Cartel Jabba The Hutt has been talking to our Chief Reporter about his ‘terrible sense of shame’ following the sad death of the Star Wars actress Carrie Fisher yesterday.
As we sat down in the communal lounge of the Shady Moons Retirement Complex in Nal Hutta, Jabba admitted that his imprisonment and enslavement of Princess Leia was one of the ‘darkest’ periods of his life, and that his neck is still sore after Leia almost choked him to death during her escape.
He said: ‘I’ve been trying to contact her for a number of years to try and apologise properly for my disgraceful behaviour in Return Of The Jedi. If I am being honest, I was only acting all Billy Big Bollocks to impress Boba Fett – testosterone gone wild.’
‘On the day that Leia managed to escape, I have to admit that having that chain around my neck was a bit of a wake-up call. I woke up some hours later, and regaining consciousness gave me a huge feeling of clarity.’
‘I spent six weeks in the Lando Calrissian Infirmary on Tattooine, and ever since I came out I have spent my days enjoying the little pleasures of life. Long walks in the park with my partner Gemma, playing silly games with the grandchildren …’
‘You know, just the things that you miss out on when you are too busy being preoccupied with freezing people in carbonite.’
‘I used to genuinely believe that I was some sort of slime-covered Tony Soprano, and I lost count of the number of friendships that it cost me.’
Jabba was speaking to our Chief Reporter through interpreter Naboo Hothman, who was kindly supplied by the intergalactic linguistics agency Mohammed Sizeli Ltd.