The Department for Cultural Affairs has released its latest report about South Essex, and one of the most shocking findings is that GRUNTING is now the most widely-spoken language across Basildon. 

According to the July 2016 statistics, grunting has now overtaken English, Polish and Urdu across all of the areas that make up the borough – 74% of the local population consider it to be their mother tongue. 

Professor Colin Vange is a professor at the University of Leigh Beck, and he admitted that the findings were ‘hardly a shock.’

He said: ‘The most fascinating part of this report wasn’t that grunting has become the top form of communication. Amazingly, localised variations of grunting have been detected throughout Basildon.’

‘For example, Pitsea has more of a prehistoric, aggressive tone, while people in Billericay have evolved to grunt with more ‘oo’ and ‘er’ sounds.’

We went to Pitsea Market with an interpreter to gather some local reaction to the news. Joanna Og is a primary school teacher, and she said that the language is causing problems in the classrooms of the area.

She added: ‘Children keep running up to me and just saying ‘oooooong grffffff’ as they are picking it up from their parents at home. Last year’s nativity play was a complete write off.’

‘Teaching phonics is also nearly impossible when you can’t write down the separate sounds in each word. Imagine the sound of Welsh with the funny backwards letters of Russian and the throat-clearing of Klingon – it’s harder than that.’