Within the last few minutes, a recorded video message has been sent to Southend News Network’s Newsdesk from a so-called representative of the so-called Islamic State to confirm that the terrorist organisation was behind today’s bingo wing attack in Southend Town Centre. 

Shortly after 9am this morning, an overweight woman in her mid-40’s threw off her coat in a packed section of Southend High Street and begun waving her arms around wildly – fatty tissue hanging from her triceps struck and injured 14 people before a team of police officers was able to force her to the ground. 

DCI Deeonne Siaii spoke to our Chief Reporter to reassure the public that they are doing everything they can to investigate the incident. 

She said: ‘Our investigation is in its early stages, but we believe that the attacker was spotted in a seafront chip shop and radicalised in January of this year. It would appear that senior members of the organisation believed that the area would give people with lethal bingo wings the best possible chance of blending in to local society.’

‘We have evidence to show that she spent up to six months in an ISIS-sponsored training facility in Iraq. She would have been subjected to vigorous weight training and a diet high in saturated fats and complex carbohydrates. This in effect turned her mildly-embarrassing feature into a weapon of mass destruction.’

‘Ten of the fourteen victims suffered mild injuries and they have already been sent home. The other four are being treated for suffocation and friction burns, and our thoughts are with their families at this time.’

We spoke to Jaques Bower, a counterterrorism expert who specialises in anatomic weaponisation, and he confirmed that South Essex has been under a high-level of surveillance for a number of years.

He said: ‘The people of South Essex tend to have a number of physiological features that make them perfect for bodily warfare. Unfortunately, certain elements of society are now looking to capitalise on this and radicalise those who are vulnerable, and we are not just talking about bingo wings here.’

‘People with a significant level of guntage could be transformed into crushing killing machines with a minimal amount of training.’

‘In the case of today’s bingo wing attacker, we predict that she would have been promised an eternity of Big Tasty’s and a heavenly gingerbread mansion surrounded by a moat of Nesquik.’