At tonight’s iPhone launch event in California, Tim Cook has revealed that the upcoming iPhone X will include a battery that isn’t a lying bastard.
Speaking on stage, he said: ‘One of the biggest problems with iPhones at the moment is that one moment they say that there is 13% remaining, you open a web page and then suddenly you get the spinning white wheel of bye-bye.’
‘Our engineers have found the cause of the issue. According to some of the finest brains in the business, our chosen battery is notorious for being a lying bastard.’
‘By replacing the battery with a more honest form of lithium, we are able to get an accurate reading at all times.’
iPhone owner Dave Wrench of Southend told our Chief Reporter that this was a ‘fantastic development.
He added: ‘I’ve lost count of the number of times when I have been bored at work and popped off to the toilets for a golden shuffle, only to be thwarted just before the key moment by an unexpectedly drained battery.’
‘No longer will I be forced to conjure up a mental image of Gloria Hunniford.’
The email also stated that the flagship model will include the ability to make phone calls when held in either hand, and there are also improvements to Siri, the voice-activated personal assistant.
It added: ‘An annoying glitch with Siri will also be rectified, where a user asks for ‘Ace of Spades by Motörhead and is presented with the theme tune from Schindler’s List or the complete works of Richard Clayderman.’