A 24-year-old man from Southend is currently recovering in hospital after he removed one of his eyes with a rusty teaspoon because of the ‘sheer desperation’ he felt while reading his Facebook friend’s fourteenth inspirational quote of the week.
According to doctors in the eye unit at Southend University Hospital, Darryl Cross of Fairfax Drive is the eleventh case this year of an individual removing one of their vital organs as a result of seeing someone post a variation of ‘Laugh, Live, Love.’
We managed to speak to Mr Cross earlier today about his ordeal, and he told our Chief Reporter that he wants to ‘speak out’ and warn other Facebook users about the dangers of being friends with these utter fucking knobjockeys.
He said: ‘Everyone accepts that people from time to time go through something so life-changing that it is worth posting an image with an inspirational quote.’
‘However, unfortunately it now seems that everyone has one or two Facebook friends that seem to thrive on posting the most banal, fist-clenching thundershite imaginable about ‘seizing the day’ and ‘not letting the negativity affect you.’
‘I don’t care what anyone else thinks of me?’ Of course you fucking do. You’re online every five seconds telling everyone that you don’t care what anyone else thinks of you. What sort of blundering nincompoop would post so much of it if they didn’t want to start a cross between World War Three, The Hunger Games and The Jeremy Kyle Show in the comments?’
‘What’s that? You’re taking yourself away from Facebook for a while? Awesome! See you in five fucking minutes then.’
‘Anyway, I lost the plot last night when someone posted ‘Your beautiful inside, and everyone is fighting a battle that nobody else knows about.’
‘The mis-used ‘your’ and the accompanying image of a hot barefooted girl on a beach at sunset pushed me over the edge, and I ran straight into my garage and grabbed the first implement that came to hand.’
‘Unfortunately it was an old rusty teaspoon which made removing my right eye a bit trickier than it should have been. I was tantalising close to finishing off the other one when I passed out.’