A spokesperson for the Swedish furniture retailer IKEA has hit out at the ‘alarming’ number of teenagers who have been caught having sexual intercourse in their Lakeside superstore.
According to Benny Frida-Björnagnetha, who works in their Stockholm HQ, 17 randy teenagers have been caught in the act since the online craze grew in popularity.
He said: ‘Our security team have had to deal with eight incidents where teenagers have been diving under the covers in our bedding showroom and committing some disgusting acts – one of these was even a threesome!’
‘Although the majority of these cases involved waiting in a wardrobe until the store had closed, on Monday the threesome took place on a top bunk during the lunchtime rush.’
‘An elderly gentleman was examining scatter cushions with his wife, before abruptly abandoning her and approaching them. Our CCTV operator thought he was going to give them what for, but instead he just stopped them and pointed out a few technical errors.’
We managed to track down the helpful member of the public. 85-year-old Alan Key said: ‘It was a rickety kids bed, and the way they were going on the whole thing was going to collapse.’
‘They’ve probably been watching too many porns on the computer, so I told them that slow and steady wins the race.’
‘Your average cam and dowelling rod can only take so much pressure before it gives way, especially if one of the hex screws isn’t tightened to the same extent as the others during a particular stage of the assembly.’
‘One of them kept asking me to go and buy some Lingonberry Jam from the café, but I told them that it would be a bugger to get out of the sheets.’