Are YOU prepared for winds of anything from 1 - 90 mph? Read our essential safety guide below.


Weather forecasters have confirmed that winds of up to 90 mph are expected to hit the UK within the next 24-48 hours as HURRICANE ABIGAIL makes its way across the Atlantic Ocean, and Essex has now been placed on HIGH ALERT due to the fact that the county can be found within the United Kingdom.

Overnight, all local gritting lorries have been out treating major and minor roads as a precaution, and this has been described as ‘very important’ to ensure that the high winds do not make the roads slippery. A source for local gritting has confirmed that stocks of salt and grit in Essex will be back to normal levels by April 2016.

On public transport, bosses of all major rail routes have confirmed that they want to keep disruption to ‘an absolute minimum.’ However, commuters have been warned to expect speed restrictions and temporary fare increases as the high winds could ‘blow the paint off a train.’ Passengers who are due to land at Southend Airport may be affected by diversions – an Easyjet flight from Alicante was blown into Stansted last night during its final approach to the runway at Southend.

As a responsible news outlet, Southend News Network is obliged to print the following advice:


  • Supermarkets could run out of essentials like bread, milk, butter, cheese and Yazoo. Therefore, you should stock up on these items as soon as possible – ideally you need to buy enough of everything to last until the end of 2016, and people who are greeted by empty shelves will understand.
  • Petrol stations could run out of fuel if a number of tankers are blown away. Local garages are going to temporarily relax rules about containers that you can use to buy extra unleaded and diesel fuel – ice cream tubs, Tupperware boxes and 4 pint milk cartons can now be filled at the pumps.
  • Tie down anything either indoors or outdoors that could be blown over in the storm. Workers were spotted dismantling Southend Pier yesterday, and the pieces will be kept in a warehouse in Rochford until the storm has passed.
  • Share safety advice posted on Facebook with as many of your friends as possible – this is even more important if the safety advice includes adverts that you can click on, and please remember that this doesn’t generate any income at all for the page publisher.
  • While you should remain calm for the sake of yourself and your family, it has been proven by climate change scientists that complete and utter panic on a large scale can actually divert the course of a tropical storm. In Essex alone, at last ten major weather catastrophes are avoided every year by residents anticipating the end of civilisation and panic buying.
  • You should only attempt a car journey if it is absolutely essential. Your wife/girlfriend going into labour, essential. Your husband/boyfriend going into labour, even more essentialer. If you do have to drive during the storm, make sure that you use the road with absolutely no regard for anyone else who is driving – remember that these hazardous driving conditions are not affecting anyone else but you.



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  1. To help prevent your clothes getting wet in this or any other storm just go totally nude. Southend byelaw 173 para 2 states “residents should wear birthday suits in any bad weather”