Speaking after his England side’s magnificent 0-0 slaughtering of Slovakia this evening, Roy Hodgson insisted that his tactical plan had played out to the absolute letter. According to the England manager, scoring goals in open play is no longer the ‘be all and end all’ that it used to be, and he feels that the eventual winner of this year’s tournament will actually be the team who spends the greatest amount of the opposition half, regardless of whether or not they actually put the f*cking ball into the sh*tting net.

While sipping a cup of Ovaltine, Hodgson said: ‘That was probably the greatest night in the history of our national team. We only realistically needed a single point to make it through to the knockout stages, and so I was very careful to pick a forward line who would forget how to get a shot on target when pulling on their country’s shirt. Rooney has already reserved his place in the squad for the next 75 years because he scored that goal over Seaman’s head once, and the way he tried to wear the Slovakian defenders down with repeated balls to the chest and legs was absolutely fantastic tonight – they will be aching for weeks and it will severely hamper their chances of progressing past the first knockout round if other teams are unable to match their level of commitment to setting up camp in their own penalty box.’

Superfan Nigel Brexit has been following Roy’s Boys around France so far, and he admitted that he was delighted with the performance this evening. He said: ‘Including official branded merchandise and official travel club costs, I must have spent £5000 in total so far and it has been worth every penny. The thrill of being able to stand in some of Europe’s greatest stadiums and hiss maniacally through live national anthems is impossible to find elsewhere.’