A high street retailer is currently hiring large numbers of staff for the Christmas period with some sort of waffle-filled promise of further hours so that they can tell them to piss off in January.

According to their store manager, the sales roles on offer would be perfect for those who are looking for absolutely no job security whatsoever while earning minimum wage and having angry December shoppers who have left it all to the last minute calling them every name under the sun.

He added: ‘I myself started out in one of these temporary roles before I was promoted to Store Manager on the basis that I had worked in the shop for seventeen minutes longer than my colleagues.’

‘There is a real prospect for this temporary Christmas role leading to a more permanent position in the New Year as everyone knows that the general public carries on spending lots and lots of money once the festivities are over.’

‘No experience is necessary, although the ability to convince people that it definitely isn’t worth buying the same thing for 40% less on Amazon is an advantage.’

‘As an added bonus, we will also be offering overtime on Boxing Day and New Years Day paid at exactly the same rate as regular hours because fuck you that’s why.’

‘Also, by ‘offering’ we mean ‘you will.’

‘Anybody interested should leave their CV with a member of staff – all applicants will be required to attend a group interview where I talk about how much of a retail guru I am and tell everyone how much I can bench.’