Police in Essex have confirmed that a Greggs delivery van has been hijacked by armed attackers in front of a weight loss camp just outside of Southend. 

According to a statement from the bakery retail chain’s HQ, one of their vehicles was tracked off course shortly after 3pm on Thursday after passing the entrance of Round 2 Astound Weight Loss Sanctuary in Sutton-upon-Shopland – a village 2 miles away from Southend On Sea.

It said: ‘We only have limited details at this time, but it appears that four guests of the centre have broken out and stood in the road to make the vehicle stop.’

‘While the driver was distracted, another individual has entered the reverse of the lorry, grabbed a hot cross bun and crept up behind the driver.’

‘The bun was stuffed into his mouth as a makeshift gag, but it quickly disintegrated and she then threatened him with a glucose monitoring kit needle.’

‘Once the engine had been turned off, the driver was thrown into the on-board freezer unit and savagely beaten by a man using two rock hard lattice sausage rolls as improvised nunchucks.’

‘The freezer door was locked, and then as many as 15 other attackers emerged from behind a fence and entered the van.’

‘We estimate that as much as £2500 worth of stock was taken – bear in mind that the black market value for contraband baked items at these facilities can often be 20 times the selling price in one of our branches.’

‘Anecdotal evidence shows that gingerbread men can sometimes change hands for as much as £25 – this doesn’t even fluctuate for rectal smuggling, such is the demand.’

‘Even part-baked items are consumed ‘as is.’

PC Ernest Peacie said: ‘We will providing police escorts to all vehicles on Sutton Road containing perishable goods as a precaution until further notice.’