A train

With the announcement that the government will be accepting bids for the next instalment of the Greater Anglia Railway Line franchise, a senior source within the railway regulator has warned all potential investors that the top priority will be dealing with the level of crapness that currently features on the line.

Michael Choo of Railreg said that the new franchise holder for services between London, Southend, Ipswich and Norwich will need to include the following in their proposals:

  • Running services that occasional run, as opposed to being cancelled due to moderate winds and snapped elastic bands.
  • Introducing fares that are relevant to the level of value that is actually being delivered.
  • Offering carriages that are not full of screaming morons dribbling their Special Brew all over the place.
  • Refurbishing rolling stock so that it doesn’t resemble the inside of a tractor.

According to one document that has been leaked to Southend News Network, the winning bidder will also be obliged to make Southend-bound passengers at Liverpool Street feel even more ‘out of place’ than they already do. On top of having their services leave from the platform that is furthest away from the centre of the station, it has also been suggested that they should walk through a pit of fire to reach the ticket barrier. For passengers arriving from Southend Victoria, one service per hour will terminate 500m away from the main station, with commuters expected to walk along the tracks while dodging moving trains to reach the platform.

In addition to this, access to Crossrail from its opening in 2019 will be severely restricted for passengers arriving at Shenfield from Southend Victoria trains. Priority will be given to people from the Shenfield-Chelmsford/Ipswich/Norwich section first of all, with any remaining seats going to people entering the station at Shenfield. Any seats that are still free will then be allocated to users from the Chelmsford/Ipswich/Norwich branch who require a second seat for any bags or shopping, and then Southend-Shenfield passengers will be allowed to sit in luggage racks.