A spokesperson for the Department of Transport has confirmed that the South Essex town of Grays will be demolished to make way for the new Thames Crossing Tunnel that will link the A13 in Essex and the A2 in Kent.

At a press conference this afternoon, plans were laid out to demonstrate how the tunnel’s construction will lead to a minimum of disruption, with the exception of the demolition of Grays and complete relocation of its entire population.

He said: ‘Our original plan was to keep the tunnel entrance at the current site of Lakeside Shopping Centre, but we discovered that Primark have their lease at the site running until 2199.’

‘Therefore, we have been forced to look elsewhere for a tunnel entrance and the necessary infrastructure, and we weighed up a number of options based upon essentially the value of each town to the wider community.’

‘We conducted a focus group of 100 people, and 87 of them hadn’t even heard of Grays, with a further six people saying that it must be some sort of mail order snacking service or something that you do to your knee when you fall on concrete.’

‘The one-way system is an utter bastard as well.’

‘To be fair, you can’t even pronounce the town’s name without sounding like a whining cat at 3am.’

In a late development, a spokesperson for Southend Borough Council confirmed that an injunction has been taken out to make the tunnel ONE-WAY between Essex and Kent over concerns that too many tourists could flood into Southend On Sea, injecting large sums of money into the local economy.’