A spokesperson for God has confirmed that Planet Earth is currently having a bit of a crap year as he has decided to punish humanity for the continued rise of the Irish pop duo Jedward – he added that things will get worse with every new single and TV appearance that emerges.
We caught up with the big man at one of his many homes in the West Essex countryside, and he told our Chief Reporter that he was ‘concerned’ that so many of the globe’s residents were not paying any attention despite sending a number of modern plagues to ensure that everyone ‘got the message’ about the blond brothers from Dublin.
He said: ‘If I am being honest, I am not entirely surprised that people haven’t taken any action after every world tragedy in 2016 – this all happened before in Egypt with the rivers of blood, wild beasts and that whole first-born thing.’
‘When it finally did sink in it was too bloody late anyway, and I have my fingers crossed this time that the people on Earth will take drastic action against Jedward before I have to do something really crazy like melting the ice caps or whispering ‘go on, have another go’ in the ear of James Blunt.’
‘I’ve actually had my eye on the pair since they were on Eurovision for the second time in 2012. Believe me, if you heard 25 million people mutter your name at the same time then you would take notice as well.’
We asked God if he was already planning his next piece of misfortune for the people of the world, and naturally he wasn’t prepared to give too much away.
He added: ‘I can’t say too much as I don’t want the bookies to get an edge on this one, but all I will tell you is that my plans for December will make Trump and Farage look like Chas and Dave.’
‘I do laugh like a loon when I read all of these reports that say that the terrible state of affairs at the moment is down to fake news. I will reiterate that there is only one thing that has resulted in the political earthquakes and celebrity deaths in 2016 – Jedward.’
‘Did you hear their mash-up of Ice Ice Baby and Under Pressure? I don’t like to blaspheme, but Jesus Christ! He’s cool with me saying that by the way.’