Local government chiefs in Essex have announced plans to offer free Sky TV to asylum seekers who are housed within the county, and it is hoped that the scheme will give new arrivals the ‘best possible chance’ of fitting into modern British society. According to the government-backed Essex Refugee Action Working Group, the project will cost no more than £5 million per year, and the main benefit will be that asylum seekers and refugees will be able to study a variety of English language movies, TV shows and live sporting events – it is hoped that this will in turn allow them to become more integrated with the people of Essex and the rest of the UK.

Martin Quark is in charge of the project, and he spoke to Southend News Network’s Chief Reporter earlier today. He said: ‘People who arrive in the UK to claim asylum are often terrified of the days and months that lay ahead, and by providing them with a comprehensive Sky TV package they will have reassuring shows to watch on a TV that will also be funded through the same initiative. Wherever they have originated from, it is highly likely that the English Premier League will be very popular, and they will be able to sit down with fellow football fans and watch their favourites in action every week while their asylum claim is processed. Movies are also vital for this plan to be a success, and so we are confident that they will feel more likely to engage with the rest of British society. Although it would have been far cheaper to provide Freeview boxes for them, our cultural and socio-economic advisors have told us that free-to-air shows would only have a limited effect.’

Mr Quark added: ‘Another major ‘plus point’ in giving asylum seekers Sky TV is that it will then become cost-effective to provide fibre-optic broadband to each home as well. Unfortunately, the days of ‘Watch Your Language’-style evening classes for immigrants are long gone, and our researchers have told is that 92% of arrivals in the UK would benefit from access to YouTube. In most cases, the broadband will only cost £10 extra per claimant per month along with line rental, and so we are proud to be championing the concept of ‘Connected Refugees.’ With the British government now committed to taking more refugees and asylum seekers from Syria, we are excited to be rolling out these ambitious plans that will help them to learn English and eventually find employment opportunities once their application for asylum has been approved.’



  1. Oooh what a wonderful idea!! Bless those poor refugees. I can’t get Sky here due to the Shoeburyness Ministry of Defence’s secret shield that prevents all satellites looking at Shoebury and Foulness.So don’t send the poor little buggers here as they will sh*t out!

  2. This is a great idea as they will be able to watch all those television programs they used to watch back ‘home’ without the need to watch our British programs (or in the case of several channels US imported television).

    However, I do feel sorry for any immigrants coming in from Scandinavia as the seasons of The Killing, Borgen and The Bridge have all now finished. Those coming in from Iceland have also missed ‘Trapped’.

    Mind you if you want to watch a series based on ‘foreign’ culture then there is always Coronation Street which is funnier than the Parliamentary Channel. It is highly entertaining but sometimes I long for subtitles – Coronation Street could also benefit from subtitles at times….

    1. For any ISIS rebels now trying to infiltrate the UK under the guise of asylum seekers SKY is broadcasting their favourite (only) channel. Tomorrow’s schedule is as follows:

      6.00 G-Had TV. Morning prayers.

      8:30 Talitubbies. Talitubbies say “Ah-ah”. Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher.

      9.00 Shouts of Praise. More prayers.

      11:00 Jihad’s Army. The Kandhar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by evil, imperialistic, Zionist backed rebels.

      12.00 Ready, Steady, Jihad! Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects.

      12.30 Panoramadan. The programme reports on America’s attempts to take over the world.

      13.30 Xena: Modestly dressed Housewife. Xena stays at home and does some cooking.

      14.00 Only Fools and Camels. Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas.

      14:30 Black Peter. The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed.

      15.00 Madrasah Challenge. Two more ISIS colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain asks the questions. Starter for ten, no praying.’

      15.30 I Love 629. A look back at the events of past years including the Prophet’s entry into Mecca, the Taliban’s destruction of pagan idols and ISIS demolition of Palmera.

      16.00 Question Time. Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders.

      17.00 Koranation Street. Deidre faces execution by stoning for adultery.

      17:30 Middle-East Enders. The entire cast is executed by ISIS for ‘un-Islamic’ behaviour.

      18.00 Holiday. The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca – again !

      18.30 Top of the Prophets. Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running?

      19.00 Who wants to be a Mujahadin? Mahmoud Tarrant asks the questions. Will contestants phone a mullah, go “insallah” or ask the ISIS religious council?

      20.00 FILM: Sharia’s Angels. Three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women.

      21.30 Big Brother. Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week?

      22.30 Shahs in their Eyes. More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidel.

      23.30 They think it’s Allah over. Quiz culminating in the ‘don’t feel the Mullah’ round.

      00:00 When Imams attack. Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot.

      00:30 The West Bank Show. Arts programme looking at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories.

      1.30 Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.

      2.00 A book at bedtime. The Koran. Again.