A number of club officials at Manchester United have vowed to fight FIFA ‘to the bitter end’ after the governing body of world football sent a formal demand to the club ordering them to remove the existing club badge from their home and away shirts as it allegedly PROMOTES SATANISM.
In a statement, FIFA compliance secretary Benjamino Mussolini said that they had been forced to take action after a complaint was received from a member of the public in the wake of the ‘poppy situation’ that developed surrounding the England V Scotland World Cup Qualifier on November 11th 2016.
He said: ‘Shortly after we announced that we intend to enforce our rule relating to the display of religious or political symbols on football kits, we were formally contacted by a member of the public who felt that the ‘Red Devil’ on the Manchester United club badge is an unacceptable public portrayal of Satanism.’
‘Therefore they were of the opinion that it is improper for the symbol to be broadcast around the world on Premier League and Champions League transmissions.’
‘We investigated this complaint as per our official guidelines on grievances, and our panel of unrivalled experts concluded that Satanism is a legitimate faith with many followers around the planet.’
‘The panel then recommended that further action was taken against Manchester United Football Club, and we have written to them on a formal basis to outline what needs to happen next.’
‘Through the English Football Association, we have issued a December 1st 2017 deadline for the club badge to be altered or removed altogether, and in the event of non-compliance we have suggested a voluntary compulsory three point penalty and £5m fine for every match after this date when the ‘Red Devil’ is visible on any kit.’
‘In the spirit of goodwill, we have made it clear in this formal demand that we are willing to overlook a number of other offences if they are willing to comply with this request.’
‘First and foremost, we will drop all previous complaints against Wayne Rooney’s constant portrayal of spiritual neanderthalism.’
Bosses at Manchester United have yet to respond to the demand officially, but a source within the club has confirmed to Southend News Network that director Sir Alex Ferguson is being briefed for an emergency round-table meeting in Zurich with FIFA executives, Lucifer, Skeletor, Saddam Hussein and Mr. Bean.’
It is hoped that the ‘supreme panel’ of world football can reach an agreement on the matter, or at the very least that an official response can be issued about FIFA getting an invitation to go and self-fornicate with an iron stick.