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Government leaders across Southend have urged the United Nations Security Council to take ‘strong and decisive’ action after Foulness Island state officials announced that they had conducted a successful missile launch into space. According to state TV station FITV, the missile was launched to place a ‘Shoeburyness Observation Satellite’ into orbit, but experts confirmed that the technology could theoretically be used to launch a warhead that could ‘wipe out’ neighbouring areas such as Great Wakering or Barling.
Shortly after 12pm on Sunday 7th February, local media broadcast images of the satellite launch, with more than 100,000 people gathering in the centre of Foulness to watch the broadcast on giant screens. Worryingly for people in the surrounding areas, this is the fourth time in a year that the reclusive government of Foulness has conducted this type of test, with residents in Shoeburyness confirming that ‘loud bangs and explosions’ can be heard on a regular basis throughout the year.
A statement was released by Shoeburyness President Barry Easbich: ‘It seems that Foulness Island’s ‘Eternal Leader’ Jim Don-Bill has pressed ahead with his missile testing program, even though we have applied some incredibly harsh sanctions against people on the island. We have forced Arriva to limit the Number 4 bus service to once per year in each direction, and now from this point forward we will be blocking all shipments of luxury goods across the Shoebury/Foulness border. We are aware that the island’s government may try and launch a cyber attack in retaliation, and so we would like to assure all Shoeburyness residents that their bank details are safe.’
The news will come as a huge blow to people living in Wakering and Shoeburyness who are desperate for South-East Essex Reunification – some people on the mainland haven’t been able to see relatives on Foulness Island since the unofficial ‘truce’ that ended the Potton War of 1964 as technically Shoebury and Foulness are still at war.
A statement was released through the press office of Foulness Island’s ruling Glorious Workers Party. It said: ‘We want to reassure our beloved and peaceful neighbours that this rocket was launched to place a Shoeburyness Observation Satellite into space, with the additional capability to keep a close watch on the wreck of the SS Montgomery as this poses a huge threat to our island’s security. The Essex mainland imperialists will try and use this to justify even more sanctions that will oppress our proud and well-fed people, but they will just increase our collective resolve to fight against the true evil of this world.’
In a late development, the independent state of Wallasea Island has confirmed that it has cut all lucrative trade links with the rogue nation of Foulness.
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