Hundreds of thousands of England and Gareth Bale supporters across the UK have been preparing for this afternoon’s huge Euro 2016 group B match between England and Gareth Bale. While only a fortunate few thousand have been able to get tickets for the game in Lens, both England and Gareth Bale are expected to come to a standstill from kick-off at 2pm. Police have laid on extra patrols all over England, North Gareth Bale and South Gareth Bale, but chiefs have confirmed that they are not expecting any significant disorder.

Although Gareth Bale manager Chris Coleman and England boss Roy Owlface have said that this is ‘just another game,’ fans back home are excited about this unique home nations clash. Rhodri Pontypandy is a fourth-generation Gareth Bale football supporter, with his father, grandfather and great-grandfather all watching the game today from their North Gareth Bale mining village of Machynllethylyaberysthwithllllllllloopool. Rhodri said: ‘We’ll all be cheering the boys on today more than we ever have done before. If we can get a couple of early tries it will hit the English hard, and a win today will do wonders for football all over Gareth Bale. Three points from this one and Roy’s Boys will collapse like an undercooked Gareth Bale Rarebit.’

Unfortunately, shortly after 12pm today police officials in Essex reported that there had been trouble in Southend Town Centre. According to Det Det Det Norman Snoof, a number of England supporters were having trouble finding somewhere to safely leave their Staffie Terriers before going into The Last Post and singing for four hours about leaving the EU and brown people.