A spokesperson for Facebook has confirmed that the social media network is about to introduce a ‘FUCK OFF’ button for people posting about businesses that are ‘perfect for mummies.’
According to Zarcus Muckerberg, Facebook’s VP for European Engagement, this will include posts that advertise mummy businesses, mummy opportunities, mummy network marketing schemes, and basically any other commercial enterprise that is considered to be a ‘perfect fit’ because at some point you have ejected a tiny human being from your clown hole.
He added: ‘We have been listening to feedback, and it is clear that our users are sick and tired of being bombarded with Scientology-esque network marketing opportunities where eventually you can get psychosis or a Mercedes.’
‘This revolutionary ‘FUCK OFF’ button will automatically be displayed when our News Feed algorithm picks up certain phrases such as ‘Do you have babys and want to be indepdenat’ or ‘I’m looking for eight mummies who want to lose weight in time for summer.’
‘What exactly would happen if they end up with seven or nine mummies instead? Would their whole business just collapse around them, leaving a steaming pile of capsules? Well? Would it? Just fuck off, seriously.’
We spoke to some local Facebook users who have been given access to an early trial of the technology, and they have said that it has vastly improved their experience.
Millie Smith from Benfleet said: ‘The feature is incredible. It only shows up when it detects a certain phrase, and it can even analyse images.’
‘Someone uploaded a caption-free photo of a Younique make-up box and a three-month old baby and it let me press the ‘FUCK OFF’ button at least seven times before I was blocked for seven days for spamming.’