A spokesperson for Facebook announced today that users who have already given their last remaining sh*t can now turn on AUTOMATIC BIRTHDAY GREETINGS for people in their friends list.
The development means that it will now be possible to automatically wish anyone a very happy birthday without the need to put any kind of thought or meaning into the gesture.
Facebook’s Head of Engagement Dan Robotnik said: ‘If you look at the last 50 times that you said ‘happy birthday’ on Facebook, it is likely that 75% of these users are going to be people who you have already given your last sh*t about.’
‘Automatic birthday wish posting will deliver the same non-emotional ‘Happy Birthday’ from your account onto any wall when a birthday is detected, and users can even set up an auto responder to say ‘Thanks’ with a smiling face.’
‘It will not be possible to leave ‘x’ at the end of an auto post as a number of pilot users accidentally sent a kiss to another Facebook user of the same sex which could have lead to homosexual signals.’
Southend-based Facebook user Dan Leer said that the new feature will revolutionise his time spent on social media.
He added: ‘I waste at least 120 seconds every day wishing people a happy birthday because I know that forgetting anyone will make me look like an asshole – even for people that I genuinely couldn’t give a toss about.’
‘I only use Facebook to really keep up with girls from school to check how smashable they have become when reaching adulthood, so anything that reduces my levels of emotional commitment on there will be a good thing.’
‘It will make my annual single interaction with everyone far more straightforward and hassle-free.’