A 24-year-old girl on Facebook who posts nothing but inspirational messages all day long has inspired one of her friends to remove his eyeballs with a rusty teaspoon.
Nathan Cornholio, 26, initially tolerated the barrage of ‘be the person you want to be’ thundershite from weight loss shake rep Michelle Garridge because she is ‘fit as,’ but eventually he lost the plot and removed both of his eyeballs with the closest kitchen object to hand.
Doctors at Southend Hospital say that he may never see again.
We caught up with Nathan from his hospital bed, where he said that despite facing the rest of his life with 100% loss of vision he’s never been fucking happier.
He added: ‘I only used to like and share all of her italicised ambiguous crap superimposed on a photo of a barefoot woman making foot imprints on a sandy beach because I held a small shred of hope that she would grease my weasel, but it turns out that she only uses Facebook to peddle powdered horse piss weight loss capsules as some sort of bossbabe or something.’
‘Once I realised that there was no possibility of her giving me a good seeing to, I suddenly realised that she was full of shit.’
‘She constantly posted about being the only person responsible for her own destiny, and yet with every passing day I hoped more and more than her own destiny involved finishing up in an industrial tree chipper.’
‘Finally over the Bank Holiday Weekend I just snapped. She posted that she was looking for 10 women who wanted to change their lives, and she couldn’t even spell ‘their’ properly.’
‘Apparently if you are changing lives and building dreams, basic spelling and grammar are completely irrelevant as long as you are ‘killing it.’
‘I remember running into the kitchen and using a teaspoon to scoop out my eyeballs like I was desperate balling melon with my own face, and the next thing I recall was waking up in hospital.’