A spokesperson for Facebook has confirmed that 94% of its user base is now fed up with looking at the small example of human life that fell out of your vagina.
Chu-Ling Flap spoke to reporters at the social media giant’s San Francisco HQ earlier today.
She said: ‘Out of 1000 people with Facebook accounts that we spoke to, 940 said that they will remove both of their eyeballs with a rusty teaspoon if they are presented with one more photo declaring how fucking amazing your little bundle of joy is.’
‘It’s not a miracle, it’s not magic, it’s not some sort of mystical divine thing.’
‘Daddy stuck his hoohaa hilly in mummy’s cha cha, knocked out some Happy Hellmans and nine months later she shot the little bastard front ways from her clown hole.’
‘Yep. That definitely warrants 5,000 photos and a Facebook Live session every time little Tobias or Dulux manages to crack a smile.’
‘We are now considering the best way to deal with serial offenders.’
‘We don’t know what you actually want – perhaps you are expecting the gods of social media to declare them the winner of Facebook Baby Of The Year or something.’
‘Please make sure that you check in somewhere every time you upload a photo as well.’
‘It may be like Geocaching for paedophiles, but your friends will otherwise lay awake at night wondering what piss-stained soft play centre you took them to.’
In other news, Leigh mum Hermione De Saumon-Fumé is in talks with Sky about launching a rolling 24-hour news channel about her three-month-old twins Boursin and Feltch.