A restaurant owner has discovered that the hipster twat who he is paying to ‘boost’ his Facebook page is just as fucking clueless as he is.

According to Theodore Fuch-Weet, who has owned Le Pamplemousse Confondu in Leigh since 2010, he started to have doubts when Leviathan Montrose-Nash of Furry Beaver Social used the word ‘engagement’ fifteen times in a sentence while trying to demonstrate how social media reach can be amplified with just the right content using a small stuffed chimpanzee toy.

He added: ‘To be fair I had complete faith in him at first because he had a handlebar moustache and a Ramones t-shirt, but in our first two-hour consultation he just kept saying  ‘it’s all about posting the right content that your audience will identify with.’

‘As soon as he suggested using a hashtag that was ninety-seven characters long I knew that he was probably just as fucking clueless as me.’

Other customers of Furry Beaver Social have reported similar experiences, and so went sent an undercover reporter posing as a potential client into their plush Leigh office where all of the chairs have been replaced with upholstered dildos with googly eyes in an attempt to look even more hipster.

During our first meeting, we were introduced to our Engagement and Perspective Retrendification Specialist who may or may not have been male, and he or she said: ‘What you need to do on Facebook is think outside of the box, and then think inside of that box before shortly reverting to thinking outside of it again.’

After pausing to take a sip of Red Bull from a mug shaped like Che Guevara’s head, he or she added: ‘You specialise in domestic painting and decorating services, so for the first quarter I would suggest a content schedule mainly composed of ferrets in bobble hats as subliminally the sight of a ferret in a bobble hat screams ‘paint my living room.’

‘We can get you five thousand likes within your first month as we have an agreement with a click farm in Outer Mongolia.’

‘These users won’t engage with your page at all, but any potential customer will see that you have thousands of likes and think ‘Wow they must be a good business. Look at all the likes they have.’

‘When all of your posts get shite engagement with a fan base of thousands nobody will smell a rat. Honest.’