A spokesperson for the Football Association has confirmed that West Ham United will be double-relegated this season if they finish in the bottom three of the Premier League. 

The decision means that if they cannot avoid the drop, they will begin the 2018/2019 season in League 1, with an FA statement confirming that football’s governing body is ‘sick of all this yo-yo shit.’

They added: ‘They’re not good enough for the Premier League – we don’t have a problem with that.’

’However, the issue that we have is that every time they end up in the Championship they manage to come back up again and dance around banging their fists together like they have just discovered fire or something.’

’They stick a DVD out called ‘Back Where We Belong’ or something, so why do they keep insisting on getting fucking relegated?’

’Applying a double-relegation will mean that another team gets to have a go – the only alternative was to create some sort of halfway house mezzanine league but the prospect of just having West Ham and Crystal Palace playing each other 38 times in one season didn’t really appeal to Sky and BT.’

With the club currently in crisis after an appeal to have their monumental Coconut Cup victory over Tottenham Hotspur converted into 15 Premier League points was turned down, club bosses are now in talks with Newham Council to explore other ways in which the club can be sustained by local taxpayers.

According to sources, a combined swoop for Barcelona’s Lionel Messi and Luis Suarez could be funded by closing all schools in the borough and deporting all of the over 70’s to Chalkwell.