A group of Thames estuary mud walkers have reported that there is currently a humming noise coming from the wreck of the SS Montgomery – the wrecked ship resting between Essex and Kent that has enough live explosives on board to potentially redraw the map of Northern Europe. A team of experts from Southend are currently at the site of the wreckage, and it has now been confirmed that there is also a quiet hissing sound and the occasional ‘puff’ of smoke.

Shortly after 7pm this evening, naval chiefs activated an evacuation order as a precaution, and everyone living within 200m of the wreckage has now been ordered to leave their homes and businesses immediately. The cause of the hissing noise and buzzing is currently unclear, but we have heard unconfirmed reports that a child was spotted throwing pebbles into the exclusion zone from a fishing boat this morning. Although experts have advised the public that a full explosion is ‘almost very nearly inconceivably impossible,’ Essex and Kent social media accounts are already full of people who have spotted Anderson shelters in neighbouring gardens.

A spokesperson for Essex Disaster Response said: ‘We want to reassure the people of Essex that there is absolutely nothing to be concerned about at the present time. As a precaution, we are using tidal currents to nudge the SS Montgomery wreck towards North Kent as much as possible – this plan has been helped by the fact that all Kent naval security crews are currently on training exercises in The Netherlands. Even if the wreck does detonate, the worst that will happen will be a bit of flooding on Two Tree Island and perhaps the total destruction of Canvey, possibly.’


  1. Considering the Nuclear waste to be transported from Foulness Island to Southend Pier, by the new Xi Ping Energy company. Does this really matter??

  2. I heard from my mate in the top secret bit of the Admiralty that the humming is believed to me coming from a Soviet submariner who has forgotten the words.