Will you stay in Essex if it becomes a part of France?

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Government officials are said to be ‘incredibly concerned’ after an Essex opinion poll showed that 88% of all residents are in favour of leaving the UK and joining France if the country votes to leave the European Union on June 23rd 2016 –  David Cameron’s closest aides have confirmed that the poll has been ‘at the forefront’ of the Prime Minister’s thoughts during all negotiations in Brussels in the last 24 hours.

The groundbreaking survey was conducted by Essex-based pressure group Je Suis Essex, and their chairman Guillaume Jetée said: ‘We have contacted 100,000 different households in Essex since the beginning of 2016, and an amazing 88% of them have said that they would be in favour of becoming a region of France if Britain decides to leave the European Union after the referendum. We have always said that becoming part of La République would make perfect sense for the people of the county, and now they are sending a clear message to Westminster – it’s EU or nothing!’

Mr Jetée added: ‘Statistics show that 75% of Essex residents speak either French or a localised version of the language, and across the Channel a number of well-known cultural experts have also confirmed that France’s national identity would be enriched to a whole new level with Essex on board. Google France trend information shows that ‘Adventure Island’ and ‘Tiptree Jam’ have been two of the most searched-for terms in the last 24 hours.’

However, residents of Kent have expressed concerns about what the change would mean for vital transport links such as the Dartford Crossings. According to a leaked government document, added passport control booths on both sides would result in 25-mile tailbacks during the morning and afternoon rush hour, and Canvey Island may vote to leave Essex altogether and join Kent as a protest.

Users of the two main train lines into London, c2c and Greater Anglia, are also said to oppose the move to France. A spokesperson for the South Essex Rail Passengers Federation spoked: ‘If Essex becomes a part of France, this will give rail workers the perfect opportunity to take strike action whenever they want to – everyone knows that in France it takes very little for people to get ‘Le Hump’ and bring the entire nation to a grinding halt.’

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Comments

  1. So does this mean ALL the lyrics of Blur’s “To The End” will be changed to unintelligible Francophone gibberish?