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Southend News Network can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that there are plans in place to remove all police dogs from service in the county of Essex by 2018. According to secret documents that have been sent to the Chief Reporter, top police officials intend to replace the loyal animals with an elite force of specially-trained HONEY BADGERS – animals that are known for their unprecedented levels of aggression and dedication to catching up with criminals without any regard for their own safety.
We spoke to a source within the county police authority, and they confirmed that the document was genuine. They said: ‘Within the last ten years or so, dogs have become more and more domesticated in nature, and as a result evolution has led them to being less effective when it comes to catching criminals – it isn’t their own fault, it’s just the way that nature takes its course. For example, I am sorry to say that a team of bank vault raiders recently managed to get away with £100m of gold bullion in Central Southend when our chief dog was lured to one side by a bag of Pedigree Chum Dentastix. It is clear that as a police force we need to move with the times, and this is why we are on the verge of introducing a crack team of honey badgers to the county’s streets.’
He continued: ‘Our first recruit was 3-year-old Gordon, and he was originally rescued from a life of extreme poverty in Hockley Woods. After just a few days of training at our new dedicated Badger Psychological Realignment Centre in Witham, he started to display a level of aggression that his canine cousins can only dream of. This trial was a huge success, and he even managed to rip a shoplifter’s arm clean off when we received a call from a local newsagents in Silver End – these animals are the future of policing, and we are certain that other UK forces will follow our lead.’
However, a number of concerned Essex residents have got in touch with Southend News Network to express their concerns about the move from canine to badger-oriented policing. A headteacher from Basildon, who didn’t want to be named, told us that officer PC Ray Beesley had recently visited her primary school with Gordon to meet the children and discuss ‘Stranger Danger’ – apparently the event didn’t quite go entirely to plan. She said: Normally our local police officer turns up for these events with an approachable police dog, and the children love petting it and engaging with policing on a very basic level. As soon as the officer arrived with Gordon, we knew that things were going to be difficult. He seemed a little agitated when he was removed from the police car, and a member of staff had to follow behind them and wipe his mouth foam off the floor. He didn’t seem too keen to be kept on a lead either, and when he managed to chew through his collar everyone ended up standing on the roof of the main hall until he got tired and fell asleep.’
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