After almost ten minutes of talks with the council’s planning department, it has been decided than a futuristic, massive, expensive and economically-ridiculous project will soon be built somewhere within the borough of Southend ONSEAA.
Although the exact details (such as the project type and location) are currently a closely-guarded secret, Southend News Network can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that the plans involve bulldozing the entire area of Southchurch and constructing a ‘leisure resort’ that will rival Basildon’s Festival Leisure Park, the upcoming Fossett’s Farm development and even Disneyland Paris.
Having concluded that the borough’s transport infrastructure will easily be able to handle an extra 2,500,000 vehicles per week, we have seen official paperwork that confirms the following features for the resort:
- A 67 screen cinema, with each screen having between 200-17,000 places.
- A 320-lane bowling alley, with a 5% discount for anyone whose home was destroyed in order to build the resort.
- 58 restaurants, of which 57 will be nationally recognised chains, and one outlet will be allocated to a destroyed local business.
- 12 nightclubs, of which 12 will be closed after three months when a bit of trouble kicks off.
- 12 more nationally recognised chain restaurants, which will take the place of the 12 nightclubs after three months.
Although there is some concern behind closed doors that the initial outlay of £400,000,000,000 to prepare the land for development will be difficult to finance, council leaders are said to be confident that the first new business will be able to move in by January 2097.
What do you think? We asked a few fictitious local residents for their opinion!
Bernie Bernard, 43, <insert town>:
This would be fantastic news for the town! I am sick and tired of having to visit central Southend for a cheeky Nando’s.
Katherine Oranjeboom, 14, Chalkwell:
Young people have nothing to do in this town at the moment, so the bowling alley would be an amazing thing to have. I don’t like bowling by The Kursaal as there are so many boy racers around there.
At the time of going to press, Southend News Network can also EXCLUSIVELY reveal that there is a backup plan in place if the initial funds cannot be secured for this development. According to leaked official papers, a scaled-down version of the plans will involve stealing Festival Leisure Park from Basildon when the security guard locks up for the night.
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