After a lengthy investigation by Southend News Network this evening, we can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that the England Football Team is in fact a multi-billion pound merchandising brand and f**k all else. Our journalists made the shocking discovery at a fashion show in Nice, France earlier tonight, with England’s players showcasing the latest England football kit that is available now for just £79.99 at Sports Direct. We approached the FA with evidence of our allegations, and bosses have promised that there will be a lengthy investigation and possibly an official licensed range of lavatory brushes.

The FA’s Head of Supporter-Based Fiscal Extraction Mitchell Flogg agreed to meet our Chief Reporter to answer these allegations. He said: ‘When you have one of the richest domestic leagues in world football, but only a very limited pool of utter sh*t to choose from when it comes to the national team, it is clear that you have to play to your strengths. While other world nations are able to mount the occasional meaningful challenge for a European or World title, we are able to use our homegrown talent to sell a huge variety of lucrative merchandise to an ever-growing target market of children who are labouring under the impression that their idols actually give a flying f**k.’

In a statement, the FA’s Commissioner Sir Reginald Bantz said: ‘We want to reassure our millions of customers that a full and thorough investigation will take place into these accusations. While we are naturally disappointed at our national team’s exit this evening, we have to look to the future, and we are already thinking ahead to the start of our qualification campaign for the 2018 World Cup in Russia. See you all at Wembley in September, and remember – BRING MONEY.’