In a development that could ruin the Labour general election campaign, it has been revealed that party leader and prime ministerial hopeful Jeremy Corbyn once <<insert flaky sensationalist bollocks here>> with <<dunno, someone evil or something>> in 1986.
The news was confirmed by thousands of people on Facebook who shared a meme where a speech bubble had been pasted on top of an image of Corbyn, with the text written in italics with quotation marks.
A number of mainstream media outlets were also quick to report on the sensational development, putting the allegations in quotation marks just in case they get in the shit on this one.
The Daily Mail even added a photograph of Mr Corbyn pulling a face like he is some sort of deranged nutter with big bulging eyes, while the Daily Express managed to manipulate a stock photo to give the impression that he is shitting out a Westie Terrier sideways.
Many leading Tory figures have already condemned Mr Corbyn in the few hours since the story broke, with Theresa May’s campaign manager even saying that Corbyn should ‘stand down immediately,’ regardless of what the allegation might be.
One user on Facebook said: ‘This man is a disgusting traitor. Who in their write (sic) mind would even think about <<insert flaky sensationalist bollocks here>>, and it’s even more unforgivable now with the current situation in this country – how the hell can this man call himself British?’
In another development, a UKIP spokesperson alleged that Corbyn’s beard may have mystical powers that if elected could give him the ability to enslave the entire population of Britain under his total control.
He added: ‘Tens of thousands of people keep turning up at his rallies, hanging on his every word and cheering and clapping – it’s like something from North Korea.’
‘The only possible explanation is that he is some kind of wizard or something. I saw a documentary about it once with a talking tree and little goblins and everything.’