A motorist from Southend has revealed the one simple trick that she has been using for the last 10 years that she claims has helped her to avoid speeding tickets and penalty points on her driving licence.

32-year-old Melanie Milfridge told our Chief Reporter that she has managed to drive since passing her test in 2006 without being caught for a single motoring offence.

She said: ‘It’s all down to one simple trick really. I don’t break the fucking speed limit.’

‘If I am on a particular stretch of road, a combination of my knowledge of the Highway Code and local signage will usually tell me the maximum speed at which I can take my vehicle in a forward direction without setting off any speed cameras.’

‘By applying this one life hack to my everyday driving habits, I also manage to not kill anyone or run off whinging to the local press when a pothole ruins my wheel tracking.’

We asked Melanie how it is possible to apply this simple trick all the time.

She said: ‘I have a device fitted in my vehicle that gives me a constant readout of the speed at which I am driving forwards.’

‘It even updates itself in real time when I slow down or speed up.’

Legal expert Giles Schnuck of the law practice Schnuck and Chookem told our Chief Reporter that police are not currently investigating ways to close this loophole.

He said: ‘There is a similar quirk of the law when it comes to legislation involving murder in the United Kingdom.’

‘There have been a number of cases in the last twenty years or so where members of the public have managed to wriggle out of life sentences by not bludgeoning anyone to death with a brick.’

‘If more and more motorists apply this one simple trick to their driving habits, it will also  remove the need for middle-aged men holding radar guns in villages under the impression that they are some kind of Speed Rambo or something.’

Now that you’re here anyway, why not take  a look at how we managed to get The S*n to publish a completely made-up pile of bollocks. It’s the funniest thing you’ll read all week.

newsdesk@southendnewsnetwork.com