A spokesperson for Downing Street has confirmed that all staff have been warned to stop feeding ministers after midnight after it was confirmed that Michael Gove has been reappointed to the Cabinet as Environment Secretary.
It has also been announced that disciplinary proceedings will be opened for anyone who gets Mr Gove wet.
A source added: ‘While it is fantastic news that Michael has returned to the Cabinet, his arrival means that all staff in and around Central Government need to start taking extra precautions when dealing with him.’
‘While he was Secretary of State for Education in early 2014, a junior clerk accidentally knocked a carafe of Volvic over his desk and he was soaked – that’s when the trouble started.’
‘He ended up face down on the floor of his office, and suddenly his back started swelling up and a whole new batch of Michael Goves just started flying out all over the place.’
‘Although we had high hopes at first that the new Michael Goves would be good, honest Michael Goves, we were shocked to see that they all turned out to be evil Michael Goves who immediately started chewing through cables.’
‘Two of them even ran off across Whitehall and tried to give Boris Johnson a French plait.’
‘We managed to get the situation under control by pulling up the blinds and they all just sort-of dissolved away – it was scary stuff for a while though.’
‘You always know when everything is about to kick off with him as he just starts humming this high-pitched collection of notes.’