Southend News Network can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that Donald Trump has landed a role in the upcoming Star Wars movie, codenamed Episode VIII. Regardless of whether or not Trump wins the November 2016 Presidential Election, he will be hitting the silver screen for his acting debut as Darth Vader’s long-lost brother Taxe.
We spoke to a trusted source at Disney who explained more about the project, and he revealed just how excited the production team are to be working with Mr Trump. He said: ‘After speaking privately with Donald, he confirmed that his dream is to become the first serving president of the United States of America to star in a multi-million dollar blockbuster movie.’
‘Taxe Vader has spent most of his professional life working out of the limelight while his older brother Darth has been in the very public position of Supreme Commander of the Imperial Fleet. At the beginning of Episode VIII, we see Taxe put in charge of rebuilding the Death Star as Darth is very keen for this ultimate symbol of galaxy power to be re-established.’
‘However, within a few months of the project beginning, things start to turn sour. We cannot give too much away at the moment as the plot is a closely-guarded secret, but we can reveal that a number of contractors complete the internal work and are desperate for their invoices to be settled. In particular, the owner of Naboo Plumbing and Heating is beside himself with anger as he has flown in all the way from Naboo.’
‘After six months pass without any forthcoming payments being made, Taxe declares that the whole project is to be scrapped at a huge personal financial loss to both himself and the holding subsidiary companies that are responsible for Death Star II. A new limited company is then established with a number of off-plan luxury apartment plots put up for sale immediately. The movie continues with giant billboards for Death Star Heights being put up all over the galaxy.’
‘The project’s failure doesn’t go down very well with Darth Vader, and the two brothers end up in an epic lightsaber battle towards the end of the movie. When it seems that Taxe is on the verge of certain death due to his complete lack of fighting skills, he yells ‘LOOK SPIDER’ at Darth and he quickly glances away – Taxe then takes the opportunity to kick him square in the balls and lightsaber his head clean off.’
‘The end credits then roll with a giant wall being built on Hoth to stop the native Hothians from gaining access to whatever planet or moon is next to Hoth. Or Naboo. Or wherever.’