Donald Crumpet

Every time I am walking along Southend Seafront and enjoying an ice cream or a Fisherman’s Friend, I walk past Adventure Island and immediately I fill up with rage. The reason for my uncontrollable anger? The fact that it technically isn’t an island!

Allow me to explain what an island really is. When I was in school many years ago, an island was a mass of land that was entirely surrounded by water. The Isle of Wight? Now that’s an island! Ireland and Northern Ireland? One great big island. The Isle of Man? That is also an island. However, people can walk straight out of Adventure Island onto the main part of the seafront – this is a disgraceful lesson in geography for local children and something needs to be done!

Of course, this isn’t the first time that the site’s name has upset me greatly. I must have visited Peter Pan’s Playground 1000 times before the name changed, and I didn’t catch a single glimpse of the real Peter Pan. So what can be done about this outrage?

The solution is simple. With immediate effect, I am going to refer to this theme park as ‘Adventure Peninsula’ when I speak to my friends and family. If enough people decide to start referring to it in this way, I am confident that the powers that be will be forced to reconsider their poor choice of name. While I think of it, Canvey Island should be referred to as a peninsula as well. What the hell were Castle Point Council thinking about when they came up with the name?

While I am thinking about it, they should really bring Never Never Land as well. Today’s children would love running round and round a great big hill with some musical statues. They need to be careful with the name though, perhaps ‘Sometimes Always Land’ would encourage more people to visit.

Donald Crumpet is a regular columnist on Southend News Network. His opinions, views and semi-coherent ramblings do not represent the general views of Southend News Network.