A 49-year-old father of three from Southend is currently fighting for his life in hospital after attempting to squeeze into a size 26 pair of jeans on Monday. 

According to friends and family of dad Roger Muffentopp of Fairfax Drive, ‘loveable and hopelessly optimistic’ Roger was still conscious until he got in his car to drive to work this morning. Witnesses at the scene described seeing ‘a sweaty blueberry of a man’ shortly after he sat down in his Vauxhall Corsa.

One witness said: ‘I saw a middle-aged gentleman who was clearly in jeans that were 12 sizes too small walking towards his car – it was actually more of a sideways rocking motion as he was having difficulty bending his legs.’

‘Once he got into his car, I heard a terrible straining noise followed by a sickening cracking sound. Imagine a chipmunk getting his testicles caught in an angle grinder and you pretty much have it.’

‘Fire crews and paramedics attended the scene and they managed to pull him from the car and remove his jeans with specialist cutting apparatus, but it didn’t look good when they were putting him in the ambulance.’

Roger’s brother Harold confirmed that he is currently going through a messy divorce, and also that he has recently started to dangerously ‘regress’ to his youth. 

He added: ‘Roger has been acting strangely lately with the motorbike and the leather jacket, but I warned him on a number of occasions that his school disco jeans would be a potentially fatal step too far.’

‘Tragically, he has ignored my advice and may have to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair as a result.’

‘At the very least, the potential for him to have any more children may now be in serious doubt. I doubt that there is much left down there to speak of.’