Around 250 dedicated followers of Argos gathered in the retail chain’s Southend Town Centre store this morning to witness what was described by some as a ‘once in a lifetime’ event. Shortly after 10am in the Victoria Shopping Centre, the order counter screen ticked over from 999 to 001, and the magical moment was greeted with joy and clapping by many of the onlookers – others used it as an opportunity for a peaceful moment of reflection and spiritual fulfilment. 

Reverend Elizabeth Duke is the leader of the Southend branch of the United Orthodox Church of Argos, and she led today’s proceedings with a reading from the Book of Toasters. She said: ‘It was amazing to see so many people attend today to watch something that may never happen again in their lifetimes. This moment was predicted way back in the ancient Green Shield Scriptures that were uncovered in the 1960’s, and it has been a real boost to our congregation that has dwindled in numbers since the Reformed Church of Argos started meeting in out of town stores like the one by Southend Airport. One of my elderly followers even told me today that he has expressed his wishes to the rest of his family for after he has passed away – he now wishes to be laminated.’

Dedicated worshipper Matthew Tinypencil added: ‘My marriage here last week was one of the happiest days of my life, and we exchanged vows and declared our love for each other by explaining that our union was exempt from the usual 14-day money back guarantee without it affecting our statutory rights. As it says in the Psalms of Alba and Breville, passage 134/0974, ‘Strictly for indoor use only’ – this is a motto that we should all live by. 


  1. It appears there was an air of excitement all around and the crowd went absolutely silent at this non-historical moment. Nobody moved and the air was still with anticipation.

    Suddenly there were cheers from all around the room as the patiently waiting customers were finally allowed to get on and do their bl**dy shopping

    I’m not sorry that I didn’t waste my time going there.