In a development that is bound to enrage both haters of dog mess and people who are campaigning for the United Kingdom to leave the European Union, Southend News Network can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that a landmark legal case in Brussels has effectively made it LEGAL for dogs to poo in any public place – it also means that hundreds of thousands of dog owners may now be able to appeal against any dog fouling fines that have been received within the last six years. Documents have been uncovered to show that a ‘test case’ was heard at a special session of the European Court of Human Rights in January 2016, and a panel of the highest-ranked judges on the continent ruled that a dog cannot placed into the same category as a human being for the purposes of ‘toiletary culpability.’
According to a linked white paper that has been issued by the panel of judges, it said that while an abundance of public toilets means that a person has no excuse for fouling in the street, the judges felt that ‘dog toilets’ have not been built on the same scale, and therefore it is a breach of their ‘canine rights’ to punish either the dog or the owner. Chief Judge Marcel Du Caca summarised as follows: ‘Until there is such a time that dogs have the same access to public toilets as human beings, it simply cannot be lawful to issue fines and more serious punishments when a dog is caught fouling in the street or any other public place. Therefore, we have issued an immediate ‘memorandum legalito’ to the law making legislature of every member state of the European Union with a demand to suspend any existing procedures for punishing so-called offenders from May 1st 2016. Furthermore, under the pre-existing statute of limitations for retrospective appeals of a ruling of law in a court, we are hereby giving notice that dog fouling fines and other punishments can now be appealed within the last six years.’
After analysing the documents that were distributed from Brussels, we have managed to track down the original dog owner who took their £60 fine for letting their dog have a poo in the street to the highest court in Europe. Perry Stalsiski owns a Jack Russell called Marcus, and he received the enforcement notice and fine from an officer in Priory Park, Southend in October 2015. He said: ‘Since arriving in Southend from my home in Poland, I have been shocked at the lack of public toilets for dogs that have been installed by the local council – this town doesn’t have a single facility for responsible dog owners like myself who want to take their animals out in public without having to carry those ghastly plastic bags. Therefore, my lawyer advised me to take my case to the highest possible court, and I am delighted that these senior judges have seen sense and recommended that public dog fouling is made legal immediately. In my opinion, this is why the United Kingdom needs to remain in the European Union so that silly and unfair laws like this one can be stamped out by judges who have enough common sense.’
A spokesperson for Southend Council said: ‘We are disappointed that the European Court of Human Rights has ruled in favour of Mr Stalsiski and Marcus, and we still feel that the £60 fine was a justified punishment for the offence. Although defending the legal claim has cost the taxpayer £3.7m, we have instructed our own legal team to appeal the decision on behalf of every other local authority in the country, and we have been advised that there is an option to have our case heard at the United Nations – therefore we will make no further comment at this time.’
Barry Sendembach of the pro-EU exit campaign group GTFO Now released a statement that said: ‘It is outrageous that a panel of faceless European judges has ruled that it is now legal for dogs to poo in the street all over the UK, and it is yet another example of EU meddling that is ruining the lives of ordinary hard-working British people over here in Britain. Voting to ‘leave’ on June 23rd will give us the power to take back control of our pavements and parks from evil European bureaucrats, and so every time you see a freshly-curled pile of dog excrement, remember that the EU has put it there!’
In a separate development, parents with dog leads attached to prams and pushchairs while on the school run are reported to be ‘delighted’ with the news.