A company chairman from Southend On Sea has been telling Southend News Network about how staff morale was boosted by 14% after he replaced their existing Head of HR with a nice pot plant from Homebase.
According to Nigel Addamino, head of Addamino Plastics of Sutton Road, the £24,000 annual salary saving will be used to pay for ‘the Christmas piss-up to end all Christmas piss-ups,’ with many members of staff also revealing that they couldn’t care less about their wrist placement for typing relative to their posture.
Speaking to our Chief Reporter, Mr Addamino added: ‘Replacing our Head of HR with a nice pot plant from Homebase has led to a range of improvements around the office and factory floor. When our tea lady was asked to complete a 36-page Career Pathway Alignment Declaration last week, that was the tipping point as far as I was concerned.’
‘This trial has been a great success so far. If it continues to get a positive reception, we may replace our Head of Recruitment with an office puppy. How difficult can it be to read a bunch of CVs and say ‘that one’ anyway?’
‘In any case, having a Human Resources Chief was a discrimination lawsuit waiting to happen for us. Two of our factory floor operatives have guide dogs, and in 2016 Britain it was only a matter of time before they got the hump – we have designated the pot plant as Head of Human and Canine Resources just in case.’
Delivery driver Kevin Moreton told our Chief Reporter that he was ‘delighted’ with the news. He admitted that the previous policy about Public Displays of Affection was preventing him ‘smashing’ a secretary that he is particularly fond of.
He added: ‘Without a senior HR member of staff to uphold the PDA policy, I will be asking Chloe out the second I finish my shift today – I won’t even have to tell my line manager if she gets knocked up now. This is exactly why I voted for Brexit.’
We asked Mr Addamino about the company’s provision for an employee grievance procedure. He told us that he would be handling all complaints personally.
He said: ‘With a meddling HR person in our ear every five minutes I will give everyone a clear and simple choice. Shake hands and hug it out or just f**k off.’