A representative of the Church of England in Southend has confirmed that the heavy flooding that hit Southend on Tuesday morning is divine punishment for a ‘long line’ of Southend News Network stories that have been in ‘incredibly bad taste.’ According to Rev Deverend Cloak from Our Lady of Garons in Southchurch, yesterday’s article about a very hairy man being mistaken for a gorilla and shot pushed The Almighty over the edge – he also confirmed that this is just a taste of what is to come.

Rev Cloak said: ‘The stories on Southend News Network were mildly funny at first, but recently they have just gone too far and I am not the only Southendian Fundamentalist who feels this way. As soon as the story about the gorilla was published yesterday, a divine vision came to me and made it clear that the people of Southend would be made to suffer for the Chief Reporter’s satanic lust for advertising revenue and traffic. If he doesn’t see the error of his ways, the town will suffer from even heavier flooding, more shared space areas, locusts, rampant wild beasts and the slaying of the Southbourne Grove.’

Reginald Cork spoke to our Chief Reporter earlier today while fighting to clear his seafront home of flood water. He said: ‘I used to think that the constant flooding was down to terrible drainage and ridiculous paving installations – however it is now clear that it is all Southend News Network’s fault. I am organising a special meeting at Civic Centre next week to try and make a list of everything else that the news outlet can be blamed for in the local area, and hopefully the police will close them down before I disappear up my own backside.’


  1. Praise be to the ‘Our Lady of Garons’ May she smite the bad weather ne’r sayers, and bearers of bad news!

    1. If that is Noah’s ark floating up the High Street then why has it just come from Calais?

      1. Noah sold it on ebay for £3000 and a couple of blokes went on a day trip to pick up some people allegedly ‘stranded’ there.