Southend News Network has learned that Christmas Day 2015 could effectively be ruined for millions of people due to industrial action by the characters of the popular board game Monopoly. Our chief reporter was contacted by the leader of the Monopoly Token Union (MTU), Scottie Dog, and he confirmed that a planned 48-hour walkout will take place from Midnight on Christmas Eve until Midnight on Boxing Day. If the strike goes ahead, it will leave homes across Britain without any means to play Monopoly.
Although strike action was narrowly avoided in 2013 over the iron being replaced with a cat, Mr Dog feels that the current dispute over working conditions has reached an ‘unsolvable deadlock.’ He said, ‘The advent of the Internet has led to a number of players printing their own money when they are running low, making excuses such as ‘I am just popping to the loo.’ This sort of Quantitative Easing on a household level has meant that some games are now lasting more than fifteen days, and all of us have to spend this time going round and round a square board without any sort of breaks. Whenever we do manage to settle down in a home of our own, a developer comes along and converts it into a hotel and the whole ridiculous process starts again. ‘
He continued, ‘We have approached Rich Uncle Pennybags on seven separate occasions now to try and come to an agreement, but in our last meeting he just spent 90 minutes driving around in his one-seater without listening to our concerns. Therefore, we have a set of demands that are now non-negotiable, and these will ensure that we get a fair amount of rest time.’
- When players are mortgaging a property that they already own, the person acting as ‘The Banker’ must conduct a full affordability check before handing over the cash. This must include a financial statement and signed character references from two other players in good standing.
- The ‘Free Parking’ square needs to be replaced with a ‘You’re Dead’ square. Landing here means instant dismissal from the game, with all money returned to the bank in ‘Death Tax.’
- For a player to ‘Get Out Of Jail,’ all fines must be abolished. To get out, players will need to score 13 with two dice.
- The four railway station squares must only be owned by non-UK nationals.
In addition to these, Mr Dog is also demanding extra police patrols over the festive period to ensure that unethical ‘House Rules’ are not applied, such as giving everyone more money at the start of the game and collecting £400 for passing go.
Southend Monopoly fan Jim Pedant is adamant that the industrial action is justified. He said, ‘Although playing Monopoly on Christmas Day is vital for the UK economy and our own general wellbeing, the safety of the characters who work on the frontline must always be a top priority. Therefore, I only hope and pray that Rich Uncle Pennybags will return to the negotiating table.’
In the event that the planned industrial action goes ahead, Screwball Scramble and Hungry Hippos have already confirmed that they will be laying on extra Christmas Day services to handle the extra demand.
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