A police spokesperson has confirmed that a number of roads will remain closed in Hockley into the early evening after an attempt was made on the Southend News Network Chief Reporter’s life – forensic investigators remain on the scene.
At around 4.15pm today, the Chief Reporter, real name Mr Chief Reporter, was emerging from the Hockley Co-Op Supermarket when a masked cyclist mounted the pavement and rode an Aeroglide CarbonFibro Sanctimonium TTX4320 Series bicycle straight at him. Thankfully, the bike was so light that it just bounced off its intended target and flew back into the road.
Once the would-be murderer realised that their attempt had failed, they sped off towards Ashingdon with a number of police cars in pursuit. Officers at the time of the incident were picking up an order of pizza from the branch of Domino’s in Spa Road.
A suspect was arrested a few minutes later and taken into custody, and no further details have been released by the police at this time.
In a further development, while the Chief Reporter was recovering, an encrypted communication was received at SNN Headquarters from a group called Al-Fordz – a self-styled organisation that describes itself as dedicated to ‘forcibly instilling the values of cycling fundamentalism in Western civilisation while bringing about the annihilation of the four-wheeled infidels.’
The VHS tape delivered a chilling message for the Chief Reporter. An individual appeared wearing a lycra balaclava, and he made it clear that the attack was a ‘deliberate murder attempt.’
He added: ‘When Southend News Network shared a video of two cyclists using the road instead of the adjacent cycle path, they were making an unwarranted attack on an almost religious scale. The Al-Fordz Caliphate is on a holy mission to remove all four-wheeled infidels from the roads of the west, and this Chief Reporter has made a powerful enemy.’
The remainder of the video contained instructional films about puncture repair and bike rack fitting techniques, along with a fifteen-minute clip of Sir Chris Hoy slowly consuming a large bowl of Kellogg’s Bran Flakes.
Professor Susan Clip is an expert in extremism from the University of East Benfleet, and she spoke to Southend News Network shortly after the attack.
She said: ‘Since the beginning of 2011, Al-Fordz operatives have become more and more active all over the UK. In London alone, more than 15 attacks on vehicles and pedestrians are reported every day, and their spokespeople are always quick to claim responsibility.’
‘It sounds like the Chief Reporter has had a lucky escape this time, but there is always a risk that they will come back with a heavier bicycle made out of aluminium, steel or concrete.’
‘Although Al-Fordz has a growing number of supporters all over the world, they have a number of prominent critics who repeatedly accuse them of quoting and interpreting The Highway Code incorrectly to justify their campaign of extreme violence.’