A spokesperson for the Crown Prosecution Service has confirmed that all charges have been dropped against the Chief Reporter of Southend News Network. An interim judge at Southend Crown Court confirmed at a preliminary hearing that there was no case to answer. 

Summing up, Judge Justice Reginald Budgie QC said: ‘The article in question has been analysed at great length, and it is my opinion that there are a number of elements confirming that it must be complete and utter bollocks.’

‘First of all, the announcement about Southend and Basildon A&E departments moving to Chelmsford is made by an individual called Sir Roger Hardy – this is a clear nob joke on multiple levels.’

‘Furthermore, the article mentions training paramedics to perform Caesarian sections in the back of a moving ambulance. Are these people on disco biscuits or something.’

‘Finally, when scrolling down to the bottom of the page where the article was published, a number of other headlines appear that being the integrity of the whole site into question. For example, one story has a picture of some poor bastard with his head firmly wedged in a urinal for fucks sake.’

‘I can confirm that the case will be dropped immediately, with restorative damages of £40m awarded to Southend News Network, minus legal costs and biscuit fees.’