A number of supermarkets in Essex have declared a victory today against the government’s new 5p carrier bag charges – they have come together to invent a carrier bag that is made from 100% BACON.
Douglas Smidge, head of the Essex Supermarket Carnivorous Carrier Bag Alliance, explained how the new system will work. He said, ‘This idea is incredibly simple. We have discovered a way of thinly pressing unwanted cuts of bacon into a full-sized carrier bag, and once the customer’s items are inside this can then be placed into a regular carrier bag – the outer plastic bag is free as the 5p charge doesn’t apply when the carrier bag contains raw meat.’
Mr Smidge continued to explain. ‘We are aware that a number of customers will not want to handle bacon for religious or cultural reasons, and we are pleased to announce that we are in the final stages of testing an alternative bag which is made from chopped liver – beef simply didn’t work.’
We then reminded him that while the idea is an excellent one, some customers may not want to arrive home and have all of their shopping smelling of bacon, but Mr Smidge was predictably dismissive of the idea.
‘Why wouldn’t you want corn flakes, bananas, coffee and cheese that smell of bacon? If you are absolutely against this, you could always use a carrier bag first and then place this inside the bacon bag – just watch out for dogs on the way home! Bear in mind that you would also be charged 5p for this under the new law.’
In another late development, the Quorn carrier bag is in the final stages of testing, and a number of campaigners are lobbying the government to class the meat-free product as meat for bag purposes. Southend News Network has also received a tip-off that an organic version of the bacon bag will soon be on sale for £2.50 in a number of Waitrose stores.
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