In a historic meeting at the Leibkuchen Conference Centre in Geneva, Switzerland, representatives of the global motoring and cycling communities have attended talks and agreed that both sets of individuals are wankers in their own unique way.
Speaking on behalf of the Cycling and Motoring Reconciliation Panel earlier this evening, Lead Speaker Marcel Prong confirmed the news in front of a packed room of journalists.
He said: ‘Today’s talks have been incredibly productive, and I am delighted to announce that an historic agreement has now been reached.’
‘With immediate effect, it will now be common accepted practice to acknowledge that both cyclists and motorists are wankers in equal measure, and this mutual understanding will form the basis of all cyclist-motorist verbal exchanges from this point forward.’
Under the globally-applied agreement, a number of activities were designated to be officially wankish on both sides of the conflict, and the term ‘wanker’ will become officially recognised in law when it can be established that one or more of the actions have taken place.
From a motorist’s perspective, tailgating, passing with 10cm clearance, undertaking and screaming obscenities from an open window will now have the ‘wankish’ stamp applied in a court of law.
Cyclists will be subject to a similarly-sized list, with ‘wankish’ offences including riding two, three or seventeen-abreast, mounting a pavement at a red light, swerving from side to side repeatedly, and yelling car number plates into a GoPro camera like some sort of moron.
Mr Prong added that the two sides had also reached a number of other important agreements during the talks.
He added: ‘The entire road-using community has come together on this occasions to agree that all joggers are tossers. Furthermore, the legally-binding treaty also includes provision for all mums with buggies sticking out from the other side of a traffic island to be commonly referred to as ‘utter dicks.’