Will the esplanade in Canvey soon be ruined by a third link road into the middle of The Thames?

A referendum to decide whether or not Canvey Island should break away from the United Kingdom and become an independent state has been scrapped after it was discovered that nobody on the island could spell ‘referendum.’

According to reports, attempts so far have included ‘refffrendim’ and ‘refereedam’ – a fact that is made all the more shocking by the fact that many parents on the island send their children to a school with a big long Dutch name that doesn’t seem to cause any issues.

One local said: ‘Why can’t they just call it a vote? There were ugly scenes in 2016 when the EU referendum just led to mass confusion.’

’Everyone knew exactly what they wanted to vote for, but nobody knew how to use a pencil.’

’One guy even resorted to just stabbing his forehead with a compass and headbutting the ‘Leave’ box to make a mark.’

A spokesperson for the Canvey Island Independence Party said: ‘Once we become an independent state, our first order of business will be to increase the speed limit on Roscommon Way to 235 miles per hour.’

’Furthermore, all citizens of Benfleet will be repatriated immediately, and the Essex Police helicopter will be required to explain every single flight over the island as every time it turns up the whole population loses their shit asking ‘why?’ on Facebook.’

’We have already told the EU that we will seek to join immediately. We feel that our island has a lot to offer the Single Market.’

’We have gas and oil. We also have plenty of gassy oil and oily gas.’

In a late development, there have been calls for Leigh On Sea to declare independence and become the world’s first organic fairtrade republic.

However, there have been concerns that the proposal could lead to a ‘genocide of the working class’ that would make Slobodan Milosevic look like Barney The Dinosaur.