A spokesperson for the rail operator has confirmed that the rail network has enjoyed its first ever day of a 100% punctuality rate. 

Manager Drulian Jewellery added that every element of the Christmas Day timetable had run to absolute perfection. 

He said: ‘We did have concerns beforehand that we would manage to somehow cock-up a zero train service on all routes, but fortunately we have finished the day with an exemplary record.’

‘We asked our depot managers to lock all doors with an extra padlock just in case anyone tried to run a train today.’

‘There was a slightly worrying moment when an 8-car non-train was run instead of a 12-car non-train, but we managed to resolve the problem when we realised that the whole car was closed.’

‘A number of tube passengers also didn’t turn up at West Ham and try to take a c2c to Barking because the thought of using the tube makes them die inside.’

Ronald Monkdonald contacted our Newsdesk to say that he stood on the platform at Pitsea for more than four hours before he realised that he wasn’t on a train. 

He said: ‘To be fair I was weeping quietly and freezing my tits off so it seemed pretty much the same to me.’

‘I’m not sure what I am going to do now as I was stood at Pitsea for so long that my knees ended up on bricks.’