A busy mum of three from Southend has been talking about her remarkable weight-loss journey that has seen her shed more than half of her body weight in just three months.
Shortly after New Year in 2017, 36-year-old Johanna Emmellemm-Pyrrhameed from Fairfax Drive took one look in the mirror and decided that enough was enough.
She suddenly realised that years of bad diet, a lack of exercise and a habit of not using Facebook for making money as she was already there anyway had all contributed to her reaching a dangerous weight.
Johanna recalls: ‘I used to get out of breath just posting irrelevant and long-winded hashtags on Facebook, and so I decided that it was time to make a positive change.’
‘That was when my good friend Melanie introduced me to Caca De Cheval weight-loss chewies.’
‘Unlike other weight-loss supplements on the market, you can chew them, and this means that you don’t have to swallow them.’
‘Also, they are backed up by science, which means that all of the natural ingredients boost your metabolism, increase your energy and drive your skull firmly up your own arsehole.’*
‘The weight just fell off within a matter of days, and now I have also noticed that I have toned up a lot as well and my skin has developed a lovely glow without having to visit a tanning salon.’
‘I am now delighted to say that I am a fully-qualified Caca De Cheval consultant and nutritionist and building my own team and my destiny.’
‘I have already reached the level of Regional National International Local Sales Director, and I only have to increase my month-on-month-on-month-on-month sales volume by 10% to reach Executive Regional National International Local Sales Director.’
‘This will be put me within three tiers of a Mercedes and a special seat at the President’s Table for this year’s annual convention which is somewhere twatty.’
Johanna’s friend Jessica told our Chief Reporter that she has already blocked her on Facebook because she assumed she had just ‘succumbed to Scientology’ due to the volume of posts on her Facebook wall every day.
She added: ‘She puts hashtags on everything, not realising that her posts are all ‘friends-only’ – how many people on her friends list just go on Facebook and search for ‘#beabossbabeandcontrolyourowndestineewithjustwifiandadream?’
‘I’ll tell you how many. Fuck all.’
*A limited number of Caca De Cheval users may experience side effects including shitting out your liver through your pee pee hole. It is advisable to consult a physician before embarking upon any diet and supplement regime, mainly just so they can point and laugh.