The veteran TV entertainer Sir Bruce Forsyth has issued an urgent appeal this evening for the people of the United Kingdom to stop calling him to check if he’s alright.
Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to Southend News Network earlier this evening, Sir Bruce also said: ‘I’ve had so many WhatsApp notifications that it has been impossible to play Candy Crush Saga uninterrupted on my iPhone.’
‘It’s a shame as it’s such a good game, good game.’
He added: ‘I’ve told everyone a thousand bloody times that I am actually 25% cyborg – this effectively means that I have an expected life span of 146 years.’
‘I’ve asked five different experts for their advice on this matter and 146 years seems about right. Some of them said ‘higher,’ others said ‘lower.’
‘How else could I still be tap dancing after all these years?’
‘My diet is excellent as well as I always know how to make the right food choices. Yesterday I swapped a muffin for a pear.’
Celebrity longevity expert Professor Richard Digestive told our news team that this rampant speculation about Forsyth’s demise was just another example of society in Post-Yewtree Britain.
He said: ‘A few years ago, ‘who’s next?’ was all about who would be taken away under suspicion of noncery.’
‘Fast-forward to 2017, and it’s now just a case of ‘is he or she still alive?’ Brucie has already organised his state funeral with the Home Office – he’s a shrewd guy.’
We knocked on Sir David Jason’s door to check on him a few hours ago, and the abrupt ‘f**k off’ confirmed that he is cushty.