An astonishing investigation by Southend News Network has revealed that Britain’s desire for take-away pizza has led to a catastrophic shortage of tables in Sylvania.
According to evidence that we obtained over a 12-month period, the ‘throwaway’ plastic objects that stop pizza toppings from coming into contact with the upper cardboard are now more often than not being forcibly removed by government officials in Sylvania due to a global plastic shortage.
Deals between the Sylvanian government and Domino’s/Pizza Hut alone are said to be worth more than £740m per year.
However, this has come at a huge humanitarian cost to the people of the tiny ficticious republic.
One father from Sylvania spoke to us under the condition of anonymity, fearful of reprisals from the notoriously oppressive regime.
He said: ‘Soldiers arrived at our home one night and kicked the door down before storming inside and stealing all of our tables.’
‘We need them for dining reasons, and no matter how much I pleaded with them they still pushed me and my family aside while they ransacked our home.’
‘The bastards hotwired my open top caravan as well.’
‘The commander threatened to take my three youngest children and have them sold as teething toys in Britain, so I just had to stand there and watch all of our furniture being removed.’
A spokesperson for Pizza Hut told our Newsdesk that they were ‘unaware’ of any unethical sourcing for their pizza tables.
He added: ‘Thanks for bringing this to our attention. We take corporate and social responsibility very seriously – only this week we opened our first ever delivery branch in South Sudan.’
We tried to contact officials within the Sylvanian government for a response to this investigation, but nobody was willing to make contact with us.
There are increasing concerns that these pizza table payments are being used to fund a nuclear weapons programme, in spite of repeated threats of sanctions and nasty letters from the United Nations.